Finally… I feel I got it.

At first I was giving everything, my heart, my pain, no boundaries, no self respect, just throwing myself in to what I thought was love. Then I get hurt, deceived, manipulated and am left angry and resentful. A mess emotionally and now I understand physically as well. Then I retract, hide, avoid, push away any notion of experiencing love yet am dying to feel loved. What’s a girl to do?

I’m already in a partnership with another being, mother of two and so conflicted. I step out of my cave to show care and realize I need practice… sometimes my timing is off, my tone, the words not well chosen. I have desire so it’s not a clean love. I’m frustrated and want to leave. I get it’s not the solution however to learn to love is no small effort.

I want to feel love. I hear you have to give it to get it. Well that’s really something! I’m scared of the very thing I’m looking for… wow.

Need to pause.

Need to heal the heart from pain it’s holding onto. The sorrow it took needs to be removed. I sit with a pure desire to heal. I slowly begin to feel all the separated pieces. Day by day I sit with the purest source of love. I allow His Hand to hold the pieces of my broken heart. Letting go of darkness, removing pieces of glass that cut me. His gentleness, patience, reassurance is what I need.

With courage I learn lessons and can forgive. Heart is reforming to one with sweetness from the One. Meanwhile life does not stop. All this happening inside and I have to go on. Keep on hearing “give love, give love”. I attempt. Give full attention, presence, listening, sharing, advising, smiling, laughing. Tired. Still taking sorrow. I’m far away from my core.

Hmmm. New plan. Course correction.

Concentrate and go deep into my essence. Sit there. Feel the lightness, the peace, the power. Now I try again…speak at the right time. It is heard. Tone is better. Words thoughtful. I’m patient. I observe. I watch myself. Sometimes amused, other times need to pull my ears. I listen to the heart of another and stay connected to me, stay close to the One.

I remain light. Like a wave I go out to the shore and always come back in. Back and forth. With ease and flow. Sometimes the waves are calm and the water is still.

When I need to interact I get it. It’s about giving regard. Appreciate another, give respect. Give cooperation. Always remaining rooted in my truth, in my power.

I am feeling pure love, restoring my heart and what comes out is glimpses, pieces of real love.